Creating Rhythms of Self Reflection
Written by Bryan Ward
As we move from one year to the next, I don’t tend to make “New Year’s resolutions,” but I do tend to reflect more deeply on my life. I desire to be a better, fuller version of myself. I long to live the life I was created to live, engaged in meaningful change in the world, and experiencing transformation in my own life and the lives of those I love.
Self-reflection is a powerful tool in this process of discovery. Not only does it help me to uncover the things my heart longs for, but it helps me to see and understand what areas of my life need development and transformation. Self-reflection facilitates the process of seeking and granting forgiveness as I examine my thoughts, actions, and motivations. It aids in discernment, humility, and repentance as I seek to align my life with God and his Kingdom. Self-reflection allows me to see myself more honestly and openly, fostering a deeper relationship with God.
Barriers to Self Reflection
Unfortunately, there are things that keep us from this crucial practice. Sometimes we confuse self-reflection with self-condemnation, which is a harsh and critical evaluation of oneself. Self-condemnation tends to lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which aren’t great motivators for change. Rather, they can keep us mulling over our mistakes without constructive resolution and they can lead to self-defeating behaviors that hinder personal growth.
Other times, we move toward a more defensive posture of self-justification, which is aimed at preserving a positive self-image. Self-justification is typically motivated by a desire to protect the ego, as opposed to self-reflection’s commitment to learning and improvement. It is also committed to minimizing responsibility, blaming outside factors or people, and avoiding uncomfortable emotions like guilt and shame.
I don’t want to downplay the courage it takes to practice self-reflection. It can be intimidating because we never know what might surface when we take the time to quiet ourselves and examine our lives. Ruth Haley Barton, in her book, Sacred Rhythms, writes, “there are desires within us that work against the life of the Spirit within us – desires rooted in selfish ambition, pride, lust, fear, self-protection and many other unexamined motives. These desires lurk within all of us, and that is why giving any attention at all to desire feels like opening up Pandora’s box.”
So, how do we engage in the practice of self-reflection that doesn’t disintegrate into these unhealthy practices of self-condemnation or self-justification?
Centered in Belovedness
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” ”
In my 20’s, I dreaded silence and solitude. I seemed to be caught in a cycle of self-condemnation that would lead to self-justification. I was hard on myself and at the same time I was hard at work trying to present a polished image to the world. I can remember an uneasiness, almost a fear, of being alone with my thoughts. I would do whatever I could to fill times of silence with busyness that kept my mind occupied so it wouldn’t wander to unknown places where who-knows-what might be lurking. I was trying to put forth a strong “Christian” image to family, friends, my pastor, and even God while I was hard on myself for every mistake, outburst of anger, or wayward thought.
Then, two significant things happened. First, I moved overseas and began working with a loving, intentional team of people who knew me well. In some ways, they seemed to understand me better than I understood myself. I felt deeply known and loved. It was in this context that I found the courage to practice self-reflection and take an honest look at my life.
I didn’t love all that I saw in my life, but I quickly realized that it wasn’t nearly as devastating as I had expected. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t devastating at all. It was quite encouraging. God began to reveal areas where I needed healing from wounds, and he faithfully showed me areas that needed His attention and transformation. He helped me to see the thoughts, words, inner dialogues, ways of relating, and motivations that hindered my spiritual growth and my intimacy with him and others. The next few years became a time of significant growth in my life.
Contemplation and Belovedness
Second, and many years later, I began to practice contemplative prayer where I experienced the love and acceptance of God with increasing depth. It was here that I began to embrace the truth that I am the beloved of God. I believe that every Christian would tell you that God loves them; however, most Christians live as though that is not the case. As I tried to deal with feelings of God’s dissatisfaction with me, I realized that knowing intellectually that God loved me was not enough. Understanding my belovedness emotionally and experientially was the movement from head to heart, from doing to being, from works to grace, from striving to peace, and from believing to knowing.
Contemplative prayer and our belovedness are interconnected in the Christian journey. Contemplative prayer provides a surrendered space where we can be present to God in a vulnerable way, opening our lives up to him, knowing that we are entirely accepted and fully loved. Consider the people in your life with whom you are most comfortable “being real” and vulnerable. They are most likely the people who make you feel loved and accepted, and people who truly enjoy you just as you are. It’s only in such a relationship of love and acceptance that we can drop our guard, dare to be seen as we truly are, and reflect on our lives in an honest and meaningful way.
When we live from this place of the unconditional love of God, we can break the cycle of self-condemnation and self-justification. We no longer need to defend our lives and we can find rest in who we are and the journey of transformation that God has us on. It’s here in this grace that we can let go of the harsh self-criticism and the unrelenting demands we place upon ourselves. It’s also the place where an unhealthy gaze and preoccupation with self can make room for God and others.
Things that are important to us - our career path, buying a house, moving to a new city, raising a family, getting an education – all require some type of plan. Creating space in our lives for God’s transformational work is no different. So, how do we create life-giving rhythms that will help us to routinely examine our lives in the presence of God’s love and acceptance?
Rhythms of Grace
“Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
In the passage above, I find the invitation of Jesus to be especially compelling. “Come, let’s get away and spend time together,” is the talk of lovers, family, and dear friends. Such bidding is an invitation to settle in, be at ease, and linger. It is here that we learn the unforced rhythms of grace that we might live freely and lightly.
The word “unforced” describes something that is natural, relaxed, genuine, and without pressure or coercion. It doesn’t, however, mean that it won’t take intentionality to free time in our schedule or space in our lives. My wife doesn’t need to pressure or coerce me to go away for a weekend together, but we do need to clear our schedules, gas up the car, pack our bags, and go. The nice thing is that as we more consistently create this time and space, these rhythms will flow more naturally.
I would encourage you to think of daily, quarterly, and yearly rhythms. Is there a time of day that works best for stealing away for extended time to linger in God’s presence? Are there half-day retreats you can work into your quarterly schedule? What might an extended time away with God look like once a year?
Our ReWire staff have created two free resources to help sustain such rhythms.
The first, Urban Mystics, is a weekly podcast of immersive guided meditations that are each 15-25 minutes in length.
The second resource is a quarterly, one-day virtual retreat called SACRED.
These 1-Day retreat events are designed to guide you through a full day of replenishing rest, reflection, and intimate time in the presence of God. So, give yourself a day to retreat, reflect, and rest in the care of the Lord. We’ll guide you through it all.
Other free apps that our staff have found helpful include:
Lectio 365 App - Free on Google Play and the Apple App Store
Centering Prayer App - Free on Google Play and the Apple App Store
Pray As You Go - Free on Google Play and the Apple App Store
Reimagining the Examen - Free on Google Play, the Apple App Store and Ebook
Finally, remember that it is not the spiritual practice itself that changes you. Rather, you are creating surrendered space where you make yourself open and available to God, who does his transformational work within you. It doesn’t have to be perfect, God sees your intention, and he is delighted that you are coming to enjoy his presence and to be present to him.
Join Us for SACRED
You are invited to join us FOR FREE for our next online SACRED retreat. This retreat is a full day of guided reflection, meditation, and rest. There will be three short online sessions throughout the course of the day. These meetings will introduce the upcoming movement of the retreat and provide enough guidance to direct your time of prayer and meditation on your own.
If you’re curious about ReWire, about contemplative prayer practices, or just looking for some guidance for a day of restful reflection, SACRED is a great way to dive in. You can join this FREE retreat space on the ReWire Hub by clicking the link below.
If you’re not a member of the ReWIre Hub, just create a profile and bookmark the page. The Hub is a great way to stay connected with us, network with others, and find helpful resources to continue on your journey!
